$1,000 in October

Last Month marked the first month that I cracked the “allotted” $1,000 spending mark in one month. I did have to pay a little more money in bills, but mostly I just spent a little more on dining and going out.

And after every weekend that I went out and spent that money, I spent my entire Monday putting myself through a gut-wrenching guilt trip for spending too much money, money, I argued, that could have been used down the line paying for essentials rather than entertainment.

But—and I’m hoping this isn’t yet another one of my white lies that I tell to myself in hopes of justifying a compromise I will once again regret later—I’ve finally come to the realization that allowing my moods to be negatively affected by spending money is as equally absurd as the notion that money can buy you happiness: in both cases emotions are reliant upon money.

My whole life I’ve always been happier the less I’ve spent and more unhappier the more I’ve spent. I’ve counted and calculated my spending to the point that it becomes a pressure I put upon myself not to spend so much, yet I naturally respond to pressure by overdoing the very thing I am pressuring myself not to do.

But if I instead eliminate my emotions, both positive and negative, from the equation, spending simply becomes another event free of pressure, a pressure I will no longer respond to by overspending. If I am going to count every penny on Monday mornings I will simply do it as a math equation. If I want to quantify the rest of my weekend I will do so separately and remember the number of times I thought during my nights out with my friends “these are good times” and stop feeling guilty for having had to spend a few dollars to have them. I understand that I could have the same times for free, but if my friends want to go out, they’ll go out. And in wanting to have those same good times as my friends I’m willing to make that compromise and go out with them.

Only now today, I no longer feel so guilty about that as I have in the past.